This is a post I was initially reluctant to share as it’s a little personal and touches on some areas of my life I have kept hidden from most people.
I had a problem with alcohol, I am not saying I was an alcoholic, but I did have a big self destructive streak and I was going down a bad path. I would be drinking hard around 3-4 nights a week which resulted in me waking up in random places, urinating blood, not eating for days on end, constant night terrors, hallucinations and ending up in generally grim situations. It had to stop. I knew Something was missing and that I needed help but used alcohol to escape and avoid that fact.
I lost friends, clients and all interest in my career, I considered erasing all of my artwork and websites I had created from the internet and wanted to pack it all in.
Inspired to change
It took the gradual unfolding of a new relationship to heal and motivate me to do something about my drinking. I could no longer hang upside down off a bed downing bottles of wine. When I was by myself or with certain friends it didn’t really matter how many stupid things I did, the people I surrounded myself with were just as bad.
So I took that first step which was to stop going out so much, then gradually reduce my drinking. However this didn’t work as this just eventually led to a huge blow out which resulted in some very stupid shenanigans.
I knew the only way to stop this cycle was to quit cold turkey, it had worked for quitting other things in the past, I have realised I can not have things that I enjoy in moderation. Perhaps I have an addictive personality.
Where things are now!
It has been just over 2 months now since I have quit drinking or taking anything at all. I honestly have not been sober for this long since I was 17 (7 years ago) That fact alone just makes me sad.
I definitely feel proud of myself so far, I do feel better. My moods are much more consistent.
For a few weeks I was still waking up with a hang over. Recently I have noticed a change in my waking vision, things are not so blurred, I am able to focus much more intensely without my mind wandering. I am no longer fixated on that next drink or planning how long it’s going to be before I can escape again. For once I am actually feeling some sort of inner calm.
As a result of not being hung over for half the week I have been beasting myself work wise (working 14 hour days) My business has never been so good! It’s exciting to see things back on track, I have a lot of wasted time to make up for.
What I have learned so far…
I have learned I can not have 1 drink, this will only lead to more and more.
I have learned that even though I am independent person I am dependent on a close relationship for happiness. ( Something I will need to work on)
I need to set goals to motivate myself.
What I miss
I miss certain friends.
Having no money at the time actually created a sense of freedom.
The feeling that nothing matters, it’s hard to lighten up when I am sober.
Being miserable somehow compelled me to write A LOT. When things are good I dont have the urge to write.
The dark dreams and hallucinations, although terrifying, were full of inspiration.
I have felt a new sense of responsibility to care for myself and not throw away what I have achieved so far. Many of you have been very patient with me so thank you. Others have completely distanced themselves from me which I can understand as well.
To those who I affected during that period last year and early this year I am sorry.
I want to reconnect with some of you at some point. I know two months is just a small splash in the ocean, but it’s a step in the right direction, I am saying now that I truly want to quit drinking forever.
Fingers crossed I can give an update in 6 months time with more positivity!
Currently 17 months sober, finding it hard at times but still determined!